I can’t describe to you the heart-drops-to-the-pit-of- my-stomach lurching nausea of seeing my lunatic ex-boyfriend Dickie constantly show up at places he knows I will be. Let’s just say the situation between us was screwed up from jump street so I cut him loose. Months and years had passed when he got the notion to try to get me back. My refusals and proclamations of disinterest mean nothing to Dickie. He just shows up uninvited and unannounced at my apartment building, my job, my dance studio, my corner store and my grocery store. The threat is unspoken yet implicit. He’s daring me to scream, call the cops, etc. What he wants is a reaction. I’f I’m disinterested and calm, I’m not gving him what he’s after. He wants passionate love. Short of that he wants to frighten me with the implied consequences of rejecting him. I know he’s armed. What choice to I have than to be polite? Should I get angry and curse him out? That might trigger violence. I end up talking with him and spending even mere moments with his screwball a**. That only stokes his skewed perception of me and the state of our non-relationship. Has he lost his mind? And is he on the cusp of criminal violence?
Donald won’t accept that I don’t wanna be his woman anymore. We don’t work as a couple but he is fanatical about finding out all he can about me. To plot I don’t know what. He calls my Mom and my friends trying to sound all casual and friendly, playing like they maybe don’t know we’ve been broken up for a while. He’s trawling for information about me — where I’m living, what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, etc. Not satisfied with that line of investigation, Donald reads my Facebook page and my Twitter. He creates fake profiles to friend my friends and then to friend me. I know it’s him because he’ll suddenly ask where I am, if I’m seeing anyone, my travel plans. Without ever making any message conversation beforehand. No normal person does that out of the blue. Then he started sending me dozens of poison pen letters telling me to take my profile pic down — a pic he had taken and sent to me on our second date. It takes my breath away in a very bad way that he’s so obsessed. Especially since he got married. He’s not stalking my Google + yet but give it time.
Oh, these guys have got it bad. First, they need to get a life of their own to take up space from obsessing over you. Clearly, they are monitoring your day-to-day activities and on the Internet. Your stalker knows goddam well you would never grant him permission to see you so he strips your ability to choose. He essentially is breaking into your life, demanding attention, abusing you mentally. Stalking is, at its essence, any unwanted contact between two people that directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear. What’s the point? Your uneasiness, your terror is the whole point. For him, the purpose of stalking is to try to force a relationship with you — the unwilling or unavailable. And to punish you if you don’t. God forbid you get back in a relationship with this type of nut. It’s gonna be mayhem from here on out. At least until he gets bored, distracted or goes completely postal.
In my experience, stalking won’t end without an credible male deterrent. Not just a male friend, but a brother, uncle, cousin, father, fiancee or new boyfriend. And lying about having this type of male defender in your life won’t cut it. A gun, a knife, a taser, pepper spray is better than nothing but, on a primitive level, this crazy man needs to see, smell, taste consequences. Your stalker is smart; one reason he’s singled you out is because he perceives you to be without male protection. You live alone or with women. You run around alone frequently. You keep late hours in a sparsely populated area. So he knows he can get at you.I know that sounds terribly unevolved but you’re dealing with a romantic thug. Again, in my experience, having menfolk or cops in the mix –to call him, to show up to meet him by surprise, to be at your home or job–made a lot of difference. Not saying you’ll be off the freak’s radar, but he’ll move on to another victim that won’t have so much pushback around her orbit.
I admite I’m not so optimistic about the cops and temporary restraining orders. For every story where the police were helpful there’s five that end up in those true crime documentaries or “America’s Most Wanted.” These TRO papers can show how serious the stalking is but also enrage your stalker. Depending on the stalker’s public persona, he may wanna protect his reputation more than continue stalking you. But maybe not.
Do not take it lightly, record the incidents with times and dates, and please don’t hesitate to share the info with loved ones, your employers, landlord and law enforcement, if appropriate..