LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION
My man Tomas moved to Seattle from Portland to be near me. Awww, lovely. But what was supposed to be a few days or weeks while he apartment searched became him moving in. Despite me reminding Tomas what we talked about before he came to Seattle, he just won’t get his own place. To top it off, he pays for nothing — not food, gas, utilities, or PPV of the Merrywether-Ortiz fight. He’s very affectionate like a friendly puppy and sex when I want it is great. But now he’s lecturing me about how me working so hard for us is great. He has no job here and stays home all day watching Netflix and playing Call of Duty. It’s like I’m being required to hand over my paycheck to him for the sake of the relationship. Is he my boyfriend or my pimp?
My fiancee Gareth is divorced from a woman whose family is in the Mob. His ex-wife liked his degree from Northwestern, height and blue eyes. And I suspect Gareth liked living the high-life so much he blinked at the criminal tactics that supported his suburban Westchester life. Anyway, when Gareth decided to quit his six-figure job to start an Internet business, his ex-wife ditched him and took all his assets – the condo, the Mercedes Kompressor, the time-shares and the good social standing in Jack & Jill. Now Gareth is a broken man clinging to his champagne ‘n caviar tastes despite his ravioli-out-of-can income. He’s all “C’mon, baby. Why don’t you buy me a computer? You need a new Mercedes Kompressor. Why don’t we go on vacation somewhere far away?” Like he’s so fancy. He’s so critical of how I spend my money: “I can’t believe you’d live in a rental like this — you’re above this now. Or God, is this how a grown woman treats herself?” We went on a cruise I won for being top salesperson at my job and he pipes up with: “Are we on holiday or a stowaways?” Not that he’s bankrolling any part of my life. I love him but…
We women can be total doormats in the name of love. Whether the man is kind or abusive, we know he is exploiting us and yet we cling to him like an oxygen tank on the Moon. Because you are grown and love this man because you think he is a real boyfriend, you justify it. You think you’re just being supportive while he’s just being him. And using you.
It’s like that movie where Keri Russell plays a pregnant waitress — when she went home each nite, her husband would ask her how much she made, then put out his open palm in a demanding, self righteous way so she’d fork it over. Pathetic.
The hardest part of dealing with a man who’s a mooch is that once he starts, he won’t ever stop. Like a stray dog getting food, petted and out of the rain, a man like this makes it clear he ain’t leaving without a boot in the ass.
As far as a man encouraging you to work and earn, that’s what any loved one should do. But what pimp or freeloader won’t encourage a woman to do things that benefit him in the end?
It is rude awakening time. At first it’s hard to comprehend that you’re being screwed. This happens all the time in many different situations. Then you wonder how your couldn’t see it from the start.
You allowed yourself to be snowed by romance and love. Little by little, your man eased you into the role of being his Mama. It’s not the worst thing in the world but it feels unfair and he seems … well … unmanly.
Now that you know what is happening, it’s time to have a discussion and put an end to the bloodsucking.
Remember: Women are taken advantage of only until and because they continue to let it happen.