On a wet Tuesday night, I met Jake on the 57th Street crosstown bus.  I defended a woman who was being verbally abused by another passenger.  Jake thought what I said was brave and chivalrous  – he said he wished he’d had the nerve to speak up.  So Jake invited me out for coffee.  And I said, “Okay – how about right now?”  He laughed and we hit Tom’s Diner for coffee and chocolate milkshakes.  We really seemed to hit it off.   And we ended up hooking up that night.  Since then Jake has totally kept in touch but it’s only occasional flurries of text messages: “Hey” “How r u?” “What’s up?”  Whenever I tell him what is up, he says “We should link up” or “Dinner soon?”  But it just never happens. Excuses, delays, travel plans & he goes underground. He’ll pop up and text me hot & heavy  for 15 minutes then disappear for weeks. It has been six months of the runaround. And it goes nowhere.  What gives?  Does he want me?  Or not?

-Christa X.

Chan is a great guy I met at a Labor Day Weekend party in Vegas.  He helped me make guacamole three times cuz everybody devoured each batch like Gremlins after midnight. We ended up playing mini-putt golf in the back yard and playing water polo in the pool. By the time the Patron shots in the hot tub happened, Chan and I were all over each other. I ended up writing my number on his bathroom mirror with my favorite YSL lipstick.  There’s great pictures of us together on Facebook.  He’s always posting on my wall, sending me emails and messages but that’s all there is to it. I feel like I’m really getting to know him. But there’s no relationship, no substance. Chan is incredibly attentive in his communications and he asks when we are hanging out again but when I suggest a time and place he says “Cool.”  And then he pulls another disappearing act.  This just isn’t moving forward into anything of substance.  Ugh!  I’m so frustrated I wish I never met him.

-Rhonda O.


Whether he’s got a woman already, is really busy with work or just shy, your guy is what’s called “e-ttentive.”

That means “electronically attentive.”  He’s keeping in touch and tending to you through technology.  He’s keeping your hopes up and you on the hook as a romantic/sexual possibility. What he isn’t doing is tending to you in real life or in any tangible way that translates into dating, spending quality time together or growing a relationship. It’s friendly but it’s really not a friendship either. So is it enough for you to bother with?

Like petting a cat or dog or feeding a plant, you are being dosed.  By giving you just enough to keep you responding to Mr. Romeo, you’re staying on each other’s radar.  He’s grooming you to stay satisfied with so darn little.  It’s crazy-making to be trapped in this strange technological limbo with no means of changing the dynamic.

The problem is your guy’s e-ttention is just not satisfying.  Texts, emails and Facebook posts make they guy seem friendly and even interested.   It gives him a track record of contact if he ever wants to exercise the option to actually see you again.  Some guys do it as way to obscure their purely sexual objectives.  That way, their one-track mind isn’t obvious.

But what can you do in the meantime to deal with limited perhaps pointless e-ttention from your electronic suitor? To an extent, the power to change things is largely out of your hands.


It’s best to take a light-hearted stance toward your elusive Romeo.  If you dig the e-ttention, just enjoy it.  It’s like men who flirt at a party — flattering but nothing to get excited about.  If e-ttention annoys you too much, shut it down.  Say it’s been great to get to know him but it seems he doesn’t really have the time or interest to take things further than phone & social networks.




  1. Great post! It always amaze me how people like you can take time to write them. But to be honest maybe you should change the lenght (longer) and color of the texts? Sorry if I am being rude, just trying to help. Kind regards, Sophia

  2. I am a 22 woman and I thank you and God for your post! I am interested in finding a real boyfriend to love. But all I meet are dopes who wanna put their hands on me. Your columns have given me hope and clever ways to see thru the seeming Mr. Nice guys-

  3. I have just found your blog an I love it. I also blog. I have always wondered about the e-ttentive men! I have just ended a relationship which went from great to 9 months of e-ttention (dont ask) Yeah I finally realised I needed a living breathing man in my life!

  4. Admiring the time and energy you put into your website and detailed information you present. It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same old rehashed material. Fantastic read! I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

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  6. Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa? My site discusses a lot of the same topics as yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other. If you happen to be interested feel free to send me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Fantastic blog by the way!

    • Are you the Freddie Tecuanhuey I’m looking for? If so, (think back to your college days in the B/CS!) we met each other at either La Taq or Dudd’s initially (or it could have been a party somewhere…?), jammed together several times after hours, and once performed together in a white house (where JohnK lived) party – a couple of Pretenders songs… Middle of the Road and (I’m brainfarting right now – sorry!).
      Also, you went to high school with my dear sister-friend, Hollyn.
      Email me at camillemradloff at yahoo, or friend me on fb! BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AGES! And NOT just for me!
      P.S. Shiner Bock is STILL my “Nectar of the GODZ!” Sadly, I don’t get to have it very often, but I think that perhaps, just maybe, I made up for that over all my years of working for RB (RIP)!

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