TO TYLER CLEMENTI WITH LOVE

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

My name is Katya and I am loving living away at college in Chicago.  But let me tell you: there’s a lot of pressure and the strange on-campus crimes would blow your mind.  There’s one woman in my dorm — a thick, angry bruiser who acts all super-militant and righteous.  Okay.  She’s not very attractive inside or outside but whatever.  Then I  don’t see her again after winter semester break.  Then I hear she’s been busted and institutionalized for raping a smaller, fellow male student.  Male.  Student.  She raped a male?!  What craziness is in studying our midst?

-Katya W.

During my first year at Fordham, my clothes kept disappearing. From my room, from the washer and dryer in the basement.  Then I hear from other students on my floor that there’s been a rash of clothing thefts from the laundry room and dorm rooms.  Our Residence Advisor called us together to say the clothing stealer had finally been caught. Come to find out my meth-using pre-med roommate Danika had been the stealer the whole time.  She had been stealing clothes and hoarding and slashing the clothing in her room.  Her girlfriend Sarah gave her up to the campus police cuz she thought Danika was out of control. What the?!! Give me my clothing back, you lunatic!!!  Your parents better pay me back at least!!

-Merry J.

WARNING SIGNALS

Oh, college ain’t just for the sane.  Psychopaths come in all flavors.  What’s dreadful about being young is you have very little personal experience with dealing with these nutjobs one usually only sees on repeats of “Law & Order.”  And they are 100% dangerous.  Like any psychopath, the loose screws one encounters in the undergraduate dormitory.

Like Tyler Clementi, we all go to school to live our lives and further our educations and careers.  Exploring our sexuality and relationships is part of that.  How sick is it that your roommate would film, watch, clown and broadcast your private encounters?

Now no coed college student is a forensic or psychological expert.  But amplify your own sense of modesty, isolation, and shame and confronting a bully becomes the hardest thing in the world. Especially when their actions become absolutely criminal.

It is well recognized that a person who has suffered abuse will tend in life to either become a perpetrator of further abuse or become self-destructive.  So maybe there is some grain of “why” inside the perpetrator in these perilous college situations.  Or maybe that’s just wishful psychobabble thinking.

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

The greatest sin of the tragedy is that Tyler Clementi’s roommate’s malice took him by surprise.  An unfortunate part of adult life is learning to expect the worst from people.

And also understanding that the rot has nothing to do with you, Tyler.  It’s inside them.

By drawing lines of acceptable behavior, finding safety in like-minded numbers and being aggressive about complaining to authorities when we are wronged, we can start to protect our psyches and lives from psychopaths.

THE SEXUAL ELITE

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LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION So let  me tell you about some trouble I’ve been having at work.  Please note that I work on the seventh floor of the Biscayne Building off Times Square.   A week ago, our marketing firm Dunn-Mahoney … Continue reading

WITHHOLDING – BAD LOVER

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LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION Gerald is such a catch.  Tall, athletic, successful as a TV host/ party promoter and close to his family.  He was very passionate with me at first but now … I don’t know if it’s work stress … Continue reading

NOT READY YET

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

Todd is a supremely good dude.  His Mom died leaving him heartbroken, much more so that the death of his father.  Todd was born with a congenital heart disease that could be fatal.  So he is dually apprehensive about getting deeply involved, married or having kids.  But it’s clear what a loving, caring man he has become – he really cares about what his loved ones eat, their physical safety, and he’s got those old world manners and chivalry.  And what I have to say to Todd and about Todd is that I understand.  It’s really rare and beautiful that a man can know himself and acknowledge his limitations with such clarity.  And it’s a damn shame such a good man is sorta going to waste.

-Rachel S.

My buddy Kevin got married at 25 to a recovering addict named Leah.  Young, rocks the urban garb, but quite frankly half in & half out of the closet. Kevin and wifey live in Jamaica, Queens and quickly had three lovely daughters.  Unfortunately, Kevin is really gay.  He’s a former banjee boy who functions as a bisexual.  He really is terribly promiscuous with women – of all ages, creeds and national origins.  He’s like a butterfly, touching down on many flowers but not really getting into even a sustained affair.  When his wife Leah invited everyone in his phone to his birthday party, a couple of Kevin’s jumpoffs showed up. Leah grew up in Hell’s Kitchen  so earrings were removed and the ladies got to scrapping.  In the aftermath, Kevin and Leah worked it out.  He claims those women meant nothing to him, just temporary hookups. But if you hang out with Kevin and watch where his eyes wander.  And if you listen without judging, you recognize a man who sought the cultural respect for being husband & father and even stereotypical “dog” as a cloak for his actual desires.  His actual desires are no tame “I like to look but never touch” protocol.  He is a doyenne of the gay brothel, O.G. of the gymnasium steam room and expert cruiser of the schools his daughters attend.  He wasn’t ready for marriage to a woman.  And probably never will be.  But his longest term friendships and romantic liasons remain with men.  Plus given all the drama with wifey, he explains he just wanted light-skinned daughters with good hair.  And, he brags, if wifey wants to divorce him, there’s no way a woman struggling with past addictions will get primary custody. Wow.  Just wow.

-Petra K.

WARNING SIGNALS

For good and bad reasons, some men aren’t ready to settle down.  Dating and hanging out are good ways to gauge what a man’s actual desires are.  But it’s tough to distinguish caretaking behaviors from romantic love.  It’s even harder to discern a man wanting to be a father from wanting to be a sincere husband.

Infidelity takes a myriad of forms – from sex surrogates, to ego boosts to actually striving to replace the old wife with a new one. And the full range of human sexuality demands we open our eyes and be honest about what is possible and who we are with.  Not to judge, but to inform our next steps.

Under the best circumstances, your loved one will tell you in words and actions what’s going on.  But mixed signals are the sad reality for most of us.

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

If a man (or a loved one of any gender identity) isn’t ready for marriage, we can force them and hope for the best.  Often, their true colors and desires bleed through the pristine fabric of a marriage or any similar committed relationship.  Or we can wish our lover well and walk away.

The choice is yours.

I’M ACTUALLY GAY

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LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION I met handsome, studly, eligible Parker at a Young Professionals Mixer at the Summit Museum.  He was cute, charming, funny and friends of the Davis triplets so we arranged to meet for dinner.  He works in private … Continue reading