THE MAN ON THE WEDDING CAKE

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

On March 8, 2012, author and former music video model Karrine “Superhead” Steffans posted a diatribe about a husband on her Twitter account. (She and her real-life husband are currently separated.) After having dated Bill Maher, Jay-Z, Vin Diesel, Fred Durst, Lil’ Wayne, Russell Simmons and Bobby Brown, Steffans married an regular non-celebrity guy.  She is a Mom. Here are some of her rants about marriage:

Sometimes, in relationships, the pleasure is all theirs. Alone, I am a superhero. With you, I am a mere mortal. You deplete me. I’m tired of being your upgrade. We are not equally yoked. You really deserve someone more basic. I’m tired of pretending your mediocracy is okay with me. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss G650′s. I’m tied of pretending you’re not a burden.  I’m tired of pretending I don’t deserve a f***ing BOSS! I’m tired of you driving my car. Stop telling me you love me as if you’re doing me some sort of favor. I don’t need you to love me. I love me. I’m tired of pretending like you shouldn’t be intimidated by the other men in my life. Cuz you should. I’m tired of pretending as if I support your bullshit dreams. I’m tired of pretending your d*** isn’t the smallest d*** I’ve ever seen in my life. Cuz it is. I’m tired of pretending your favorite rapper didn’t just beat it up on Friday. I’m tired of paying for everything. I’m tired of you taking all this s*** for granted as if you ever deserved any of it. Give me my Mac back. For real tho. I’m tired of washing your wack ass clothes. I hate your whole face. I’m tired of acting like the sex is good.I hate when you roll all the way over onto my side of the bed to hold me. I’m over here for a reason. Did I mention I’m tired of paying for everything? Okay. I’m tired of giving you the game. I’m tired of pretending you’re anything more than a bum. I should’ve just hired you as a cook and kept it moving. I’m tired of congratulating you for accomplishing minuscule s***. I’m tired of you begging.

I’m tired of moaning when I can’t feel anything! I’m tired of having to think about someone else to get off. I’m tired of having to lock my phone when you’re around. I’m tired of taking showers with you. Can I get a moment! Damn! Yes. He’s better than you. Next question. All night. ‘Til 6 in the morning. Next question. Yes. And I didn’t have to pay for none of it. Next question. Presidential suite. Next question. About 10 inches. Next question.69. Next question. Like a boss. Next question. Balls deep. Next question. I’m tired of having to pretend you’re not the 3rd worst decision I’ve ever made. You should really be with that one chick who bagged our groceries this weekend. That’s more your speed.

BLIND GOSSIP 03/07

In a case where one half of a couple makes substantially more than the other, who pays for the engagement ring? Well, in the case of these three engaged couples where the woman has the bigger paycheck, it certainly wasn’t the future groom. The first couple went directly to the jeweler and cut a deal for a very impressive diamond sparkler. They worked out an arrangement where the couple agreed to make x number of mentions of the jeweler in the press for a 50% discount. Then the female half of the couple paid the balance in cash. The second couple tried harder than anyone to try to talk multiple jewelers into a free ring. When no one would agree to the freebie, she simply turned to her future fiance and said, “Here’s the money. You know what I like. Now, go get me the biggest fucking diamond you can.” The third couple knew ahead of time that they were getting engaged, and she knew exactly what she wanted. Because she likes to control everything, she picked out the ring in a secret private buying session with the jeweler, where they settled on a price. Then she later gave the money to the boyfriend, who went to the store to pay for the ring. Of course she pretended that she had no idea that there was a ring coming, that she was thrilled with her fiance’s taste, and that she was so impressed that he paid for the ring himself. So, when you see those shining baubles on the ring fingers of these lucky stars, you now know that in all three cases, the future groom didn’t have to lay out his own cash… but that he still gets to look like he’s a generous man with good taste.
first couple: Kim Kardashian
second couple: Nicole “Snooki” Pollizzi
third couple: Natalie Portman

WARNING SIGNALS

Women are bombarded daily with tales to make us want to marry our Prince Charming.  A lot of guys are charming in spades with nary a speck of prince.  We can be so blinded by our dream wedding marrying goal that we may not see the steer we are yoking ourselves to until it is sitting in our condo, on our couch, watching our flatscreen and demanding spending money from our account.  And that’s great if it is indeed what you want with your eyes open.

Too often we don’t hear about a guy’s tax lien, obsession with controlling, bad credit, retirement account depleted by divorce, disdain for working or entitlement to our material wealth until the marriage license is signed and we are pregnant.

Again, it could be a perfect scenario if you want control of your husband and his dependency on you.  Eyes wide open, my dears.  Because I’m though still not sure what Jessica Alba’s husband Cash Warren does for a living, she seems happy with their arrangement.  And so does he.

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

We know how Kim Kardashian’s marriage turned out. She balked at him moving his stuff into her LA home.  Now, according to published articles,  he’s demanding $7 million to forego embarrassing her in divorce court.  Heidi Klum would have been happy bankrolling her family life if Seal could have been happy for her to work while he stayed home with the kids.  In the end, neither of these famous couple could negotiate the right balance.

Maybe neither wife knew her husband and his priorities and b**ch-ass side well enough before they walked down the aisle.

The “man on the wedding cake” was a smidgen of the real-life burden marriage brought into these women’s lives. Also a smidgen of the blessings.

Not the end of the world but definitely worth considering.  Take your time. Ask your questions.  Consider a pre-nup.

Food for thought.

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FINANCIAL ABORTION

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NOT READY YET

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

Todd is a supremely good dude.  His Mom died leaving him heartbroken, much more so that the death of his father.  Todd was born with a congenital heart disease that could be fatal.  So he is dually apprehensive about getting deeply involved, married or having kids.  But it’s clear what a loving, caring man he has become – he really cares about what his loved ones eat, their physical safety, and he’s got those old world manners and chivalry.  And what I have to say to Todd and about Todd is that I understand.  It’s really rare and beautiful that a man can know himself and acknowledge his limitations with such clarity.  And it’s a damn shame such a good man is sorta going to waste.

-Rachel S.

My buddy Kevin got married at 25 to a recovering addict named Leah.  Young, rocks the urban garb, but quite frankly half in & half out of the closet. Kevin and wifey live in Jamaica, Queens and quickly had three lovely daughters.  Unfortunately, Kevin is really gay.  He’s a former banjee boy who functions as a bisexual.  He really is terribly promiscuous with women – of all ages, creeds and national origins.  He’s like a butterfly, touching down on many flowers but not really getting into even a sustained affair.  When his wife Leah invited everyone in his phone to his birthday party, a couple of Kevin’s jumpoffs showed up. Leah grew up in Hell’s Kitchen  so earrings were removed and the ladies got to scrapping.  In the aftermath, Kevin and Leah worked it out.  He claims those women meant nothing to him, just temporary hookups. But if you hang out with Kevin and watch where his eyes wander.  And if you listen without judging, you recognize a man who sought the cultural respect for being husband & father and even stereotypical “dog” as a cloak for his actual desires.  His actual desires are no tame “I like to look but never touch” protocol.  He is a doyenne of the gay brothel, O.G. of the gymnasium steam room and expert cruiser of the schools his daughters attend.  He wasn’t ready for marriage to a woman.  And probably never will be.  But his longest term friendships and romantic liasons remain with men.  Plus given all the drama with wifey, he explains he just wanted light-skinned daughters with good hair.  And, he brags, if wifey wants to divorce him, there’s no way a woman struggling with past addictions will get primary custody. Wow.  Just wow.

-Petra K.

WARNING SIGNALS

For good and bad reasons, some men aren’t ready to settle down.  Dating and hanging out are good ways to gauge what a man’s actual desires are.  But it’s tough to distinguish caretaking behaviors from romantic love.  It’s even harder to discern a man wanting to be a father from wanting to be a sincere husband.

Infidelity takes a myriad of forms – from sex surrogates, to ego boosts to actually striving to replace the old wife with a new one. And the full range of human sexuality demands we open our eyes and be honest about what is possible and who we are with.  Not to judge, but to inform our next steps.

Under the best circumstances, your loved one will tell you in words and actions what’s going on.  But mixed signals are the sad reality for most of us.

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

If a man (or a loved one of any gender identity) isn’t ready for marriage, we can force them and hope for the best.  Often, their true colors and desires bleed through the pristine fabric of a marriage or any similar committed relationship.  Or we can wish our lover well and walk away.

The choice is yours.