TOXIC ATTENTION: THE JEALOUS BFF

Katy Perry gives Rihanna the ol' side-eye.

Katy Perry gives Rihanna the ol’ side-eye.

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

My girlfriend Josie used to be sooooo cool.  But in the last three months though she has  became the biggest bitch going. We were best friends.  Truly, I love the girl. I helped her get a job in my office and we even live together.  I’m not saying she has to be slavishly thankful. But ever since Todd (the football player she likes) gave her the old razzmatazz and blew her off she’s a different woman.  Now she is so two-faced, making comments implying I’m some sort of slut just because guys like me, especially my actual boyfriend Scott.  Sorry Todd’s just not into you.  Josie’s now the biggest attention seeker going. Always lectures me on how I’m eating the wrong thing and how I am sure to get fat. She flirts with every guy with her vapid baby talk. Then storms off when she doesn’t get attention.  She stalks me and inserts herself into all my conversations, interrupting to say how she likes the colors we’re wearing and taking pictures of me and whomever I’m with (!!!). She gets wasted at parties, breaking lights off the walls, taking her top off and running around in her bra. Now she’s trying to split me and my boyfriend Scott up because she “wants me to keep my options open.” Gee, thanks for your concern. I am running out of patience.  When will my old BFF come back?

-Petrissa Q. 

Hatin'.

Hatin’.

You know that movie Single White Female?  Well, meet Single Black Female.  My boss and I are the same type — Black women in our 20s.  Except I’m a size 4 and pretty (you better be if you want a decent guy in Manhattan). My boss is a big girl, with a big nose, droopy breasts from yo-yo dieting and a bigger ego.  Because of her job title and salary she really thinks she ought to have the best of everything, especially guys.  But the only way she can is to pay for a guy — give a broke musician a place to stay, give a bar guy in Jamaica or Dominican Republic spending money or marry an ex-con mechanic.  Not. My. Fault. But I’m tired of her insisting on tagging along when I go out for drinks or clubbing.  We’re not actually friends and she’s just using me to meet men.

-Alexa K. 

WARNING SIGNS

liono

This person is a little self-hating stalker.  She is no longer a genuine friend.  Don’t be fooled — she’s a little bit in love with you and even wants your attention.  Maybe even all your attention. But right now, she hates you more than she loves you.  And she is actively seeking to hurt you

Will it rise to the level of physical violence? Time will tell.  But the undermining, gossip and innuendo will cost you at work and in your personal life.  Whether on the cheerleading squad, in the sorority, in your neighborhood, yoga class or job.

The aggression is real.  The hater hopes you are weak and will believe her negative comments.  She dreams that you will internalize her hateful bullshit.  From nasty gossip to throwing shade, eye-rolling and sucking teeth, you can’t ignore these assaults.  They are meant to trouble, hurt and intimidate you.

It’s not a surprise when, despite her criticisms she starts talking, acting and dressing like you.  Your haircut, handbag, cut of jeans.  It’ll get much weirder before it gets done.

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

As much as you can, cut this hater off.  Cut down on the information she knows about you.  Supply preposterous misinformation to make the shit she talks about you baseless and non-sensical. Tell her your arms and legs are prosthetic, you found out your family is really from Russia, tell her you’re an alien, tell her you’re wearing a wig/ weave, tell her this is not your real name, etc.

As long as the bad behavior persists, make clear to others that she is no longer your bestie and that you do not accept or co-sign her behavior.  Stop socializing with her as an automatic part of your clique.

Every time your hater says something bitchy, say “That’s not a very nice thing to say. Would you like it if I did or said something like that to you?”

Alternately, when your hater seeks attention, completely ignore her, walk away, talk to someone else – don’t even comment. And keep it moving.

Attention seekers love being the focus of attention. When they don’t get any attention, they get bored. Sooner or later they find a new target. Trust me, they don’t see you as a human being, they just see you as a tool to gratify them with attention. You’ll get rid of her sooner or later.

THREE-WAYS AND SWINGING

LOVE SCENE INVESTIGATION

I went to college with Kevin.  He was the cool Quarterback upperclassmen that all girls wanted and all the hot, sexy guys from my year looked up to. For Kevin, college was the place where the difference between being a man-slut and popular was negligible. I only knew him on a “what’s up” basis and from going to parties he threw.  Not a frat guy but superstar-popular on campus. But since I worked in media after graduation, I eventually got to know him when he did business with my company.  Lunch at Asia de Cuba, Aquavit, Patria and Lutece.  At nearly 50 years old, Kevin eventually got married.  He and every other well-to-do dude in New York City had gone through the gotta-get-a-lesbian fetish in for a while. And that evolved into the-do-you-have-a-girlfriend-who-could-watch-us riff.  Gross, right?  But that’s Manhattan.  Just like casual games of strip-poker for oral sexual favors.  Not my kind of party but it’s like in the water or something. I just laughed it off as “strange-seeking.”  But now Kevin incessantly invites me over to share dinner and wine with his spicy Dominican wife.  They have some huge collection of Japanese pornos.  He sounds so weird when he talks about it. Like he’s in a trance. The things he’s says are creepy. I know I ain’t going.  Ever. It’s actually sickening.  I think I liked it better when I didn’t know him all that well.

-Kimberly G.

Xander is my new friend from the ad agency where I freelance.  It’s cool to get to know a hip guy who runs in my same fancy, upscale circles in New York City but there’s just some lines I’ve never crossed.  And I probably never will.  I’ve never felt that my sex life was under-populated, that there needed to be a second, third, fourth or fifth person in the room for me to get off.  Sex fantasy is one thing but I honestly think I would die of embarassment for there to be more than A and B involved.  But it’s like e-eeeverybody has done it.  Three-way sex. Menage-a-trois. Not just the guys, not just in Vegas or the Dominican Republic, not just the bisexual chicks.  So here I am in the slow lane loving life.  I just don’t see the point.  And I don’t think I’m being a prude.  It’s like even when I was just a puppy, kissing one person was mind-blowing and amazing.  I didn’t have spare bandwidth to consider one more mouth or person.  Maybe these people have had some sexual abuse situation?  I know I’m grabbing at straws to understand it but I just don’t.  Of course, I’ve worked with people who are public figures who are very promiscuous or seem to be in cases where it’s a front for being gay.  And I know desperate ugly girls who get around, acting as if they’re so fire-hot.  But along comes Xander talking much nonsense about: “All my swinger friends are millionaires and very successful. You know, everyone gets together at a hotel suite or country home.  And it’s a upscale, classy, chill vibe…” All I can think of is the midget orgy scene from Bob Guccione’s Caligula.  Oh, I think I would be appalled when I wasn’t dying laughing.  I’m just not mature enough for the classy swinger scene.  Or whatever.

-Raquel V.

WARNING SIGNALS

These are strange days, my friend.

These  sexual extremes are considered part of the “new normal.” It’s even featured in a feature spread in W Magazine — the December 2011 issue with the Elle & Dakota Fanning sisters cover.  According to Emily Rothman, an associate professor of community health sciences at Boston University Health Medical Center, 7.3% of teens admitted to having multi-person sex (MPS), 52% reported being pressured, and 43% reported being threatened or forced.   It’s sung about by Katy Perry in pop songs and the terminology is played upon by Nicki “Minaj.”

TROUBLE-SHOOTING

Grown, consenting adults can do what they like but this just seems like too much risk.  Vis-a-vis venereal disease, mental health and the green jealousy monster.

Have people become de-sensitized so regular one-on-one sex ain’t enough?  The mind continues to boggle…